understanding where the frustration comes from

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, but not a lot of teachers speak English in my school beyond the 2 English teachers. And those who do don't know a lot, so communicating with my faculty is mostly absent or 없어요 as you could say it in Korean. Taking the student body as a whole (of the classes I see), the foreign language level is low. Really low. Like, many don't know what to say when I ask "how are you?", and that's something I always ask them. Beyond the one students who lived in the states for a number of years, there's one student who knows enough English to hold a pretty decent conversation, a high school 3rd grader who can speak about limited topics (do you like...?, American metal and rock music, and smack down wrestling, whatever that is). A very small number- like 2 or 3- of students can piece together a very sketchy exchange of question and answer, with me filling in what Korean I know to help. So it's common for there to be days when I don't really talk to anyone. That's frustrating in the professional setting. 

What makes me really want to pull out my hair and start a brawl sometimes is hearing my name being said among students and the co-teacher or between teachers in the office- a combination of my name and the words "foreigner" and "American" (said in Korean of course). I know those words well- we hear them called and exclaimed in the streets sometimes by kids so surprised to see someone not Korean in their territory. Maybe it's acceptable to discuss a person when they're present, but not actually include that person in the conversation here. But it makes me uncomfortable, and lately I'm hearing it more often. The students are asking questions, my co-teacher is answering, but isn't offering to translate anything for me. I know, I should probably inquire about it myself, but I'm passive and I don't want to come off as demanding or rude. Depending on the day, I either just shrug it off and say "TIK" (this is Korea, as started by a friend), or go home at 5 feeling uneasy and uncertain about how the faculty feels about me. 

It's easy to go with the thought, "dumb broads," but today what I always knew in a foggy way occurred to me explicitly. It's not the people I'm frustrated with, it's not the country. It's me. I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing how to effectively, or even remotely communicate with Koreans in their language. That because of this, I'm always in the dark about something- who am I kidding, about most everything- and it's going to be a long, slow, and difficult time getting to a point where I will be less oblivious to this world and leaning towards some degree of comprehension. 


I wonder sometimes as the Koreans are laughing about the foreigner in the room, if they understand the magnitude of what it means for me to be here. I left everything familiar, easy, and beloved to me half a world away. Thank GOD for foreigner friends.


And honestly, I doubt that most of what they say is menacing- they laugh and show shock at the smallest of anything. Reservations in the showing of amusement, surprise, and disgruntlement seem to be lower here. I freaked some teachers out last week because I had a 3/4 length sleeve sweater on and it was cold that morning. They laughed and discussed it for 10 minutes with me at my desk. If they want to be sly, they seriously need a new code word.

I get a sense of comfort from knowing that I'm frustrated at myself instead of Korea in those awkward moments of knowing that I'm being discussed. I don't want to hold negative feelings for this country, especially for the people I work with and teach. It would be due time for me to go back home when or more hopefully if that ever happens. 


In the meantime, I started studying Korean with a friend this week. We're aiming to replace the class that was canceled. He found a good textbook, and the grammar book I bought on my own is proving to be an excellent supplement or booster. I'm noticing that I'm understanding more of what I hear- ever so slightly- and that I'm also able to deduct what kind of context people are talking in if I don't understand the general idea. This will also be a good opportunity to discover all of the coffee shops in Eunhang Dong. 


Photos were taken using the Canon 30D I am purchasing from someone. See, mom? Totally worth it.